Twelve conversations with an invisible writer:
(All these conversations did take place in some form or other during the course of my ghostwriting career, but they’ve been edited down to a fraction of their actual size. They probably should have been this small anyway.)
1. Conversation with my mother
Me: I’ve decided to become a ghostwriter. I’m going to write books for other people. My name won’t be on them for the most part. Often no one will ever know I even wrote the books. But this way I’ll be able to write without having to go to an office or deal with all the politics.
Mother: You were doing so well as an editor. I so much enjoyed telling my friends about all the books and articles you’ve edited, the famous people you’ve worked with, the parties you’ve attended.
Me: I didn’t like doing it. It was making me miserable. I need a change.
Mother (pause): You’ve always been such a disappointment to me.
2. Conversation with a prospective co-author
Co-author: How much work do I have to do?
Me: That depends. Sometimes the person I work with wants to write a lot of the book, sometimes they only want to write some of the book, sometimes they want me to tape them, sometimes they give me material I can work with. Everyone I work with has a different style.
Co-author: Look, I’m very busy. What if I don’t want to do any work?
Me: You’ll have to do at least something. How can I write your book without you?
Co-author: Isn’t that the point of hiring you? I pay you to do all the work?
Me: But I need some material.
Co-author: Talk to other people. Make it up. I have to go now.
(This co-author eventually did work with me, a little, and complained the entire time.)
3. Conversation with a prospective agent
Agent: So you’ve ghostwritten many books. Tell me who you’ve written them for.
Me: I can only tell you about the ones for whom I haven’t signed confidentiality agreements.
Agent: But you can tell me. I’m your new agent.
Me: I actually can’t. They’re forever secret.
Agent: I can’t be your agent if you don’t tell me who you’ve worked with.
Me: Do you understand the word “confidentiality”?
Agent: It doesn’t apply here.
Me: I guess we’re not working together.
(I got a different agent.)
4. Conversation with a co-author (meeting for the first time at her mansion)
Me: Glad to meet you.
Co-author (to someone on the phone): I can’t talk now. I can’t believe this day. My caterer didn’t show up, my lawyer is hounding me, my acupuncturist won’t make a house call, my dog walker is acting up, and now I have to deal with my writer.
Me: I’m right here. I can hear you.
Co-author (to me): Whatever.
(The acupuncturist did show up and worked on me as well.)
5. Conversation at a New York City literary party
Relatively famous writer: What do you write?
Me: Right now I’m ghostwriting.
Relatively famous writer: That’s not really writing, is it?
Me: Well yes. I mean, I do write books.
Relatively famous writer: I could never do what you do.
Me: Why?
Relatively famous writer: I’m a real writer.
(Relatively famous went on to become truly famous, but not necessarily the way he wanted.)
6. Conversation with a prospective co-author
Me: How would you want to work together?
Co-author: I run in the mornings. Can you run alongside me while I talk? That’s really my only free time.
Me: Yes.
Co-author: And when you’re done, I need my wife to read it. And my friends. I’ll have my lawyers look it over. And I have writer friends too. They’ll need to read it. They’ll tell me if it sounds like me.
Me: I can’t tell you that?
Co-author: You don’t know me. You never will. I’m a private person.
(I decided not to take the assignment.)
7. Conversation with another ghostwriter
Ghost: What are you working on?
Me: I’ve got a project that’s driving me crazy.
Ghost: Why?
Me: The guy I’m working with, I just can’t focus him, he rambles so much, I can’t get good material out of him.
Ghost: Do what I do. Make it all up.
8. Conversation with my father
Me: I know Mom is unhappy. But being a ghostwriter isn’t shameful. Famous people have done it. Sinclair Lewis was a ghostwriter. Katherine Anne Porter was. Ghostwriters wrote JFK’s Profiles in Courage. You can go all the way back to Rome—Seneca ghostwrote for Nero. Musicians, artists, songwriters…ghostwriting is not something you need to hide.
Father: Is it too late to get your old job back?
9. Conversation with a book editor
Editor: So you’re the ghostwriter for Celebrity X?
Me: Yes.
Editor: I haven’t really worked with a ghost before. There are certain things you need to understand in order to work for me.
Me: You do realize that I work for the co-author, and not you, right?
Editor: No.
Me: You’re paying him. But he’s paying me. He’s actually my boss. Not you. I have to go by what he says.
Editor (puzzled): This is why I really try to avoid working with people like you.
10. Conversation with a reporter about a co-author who’s in the news
Reporter: I’m doing a story on Celebrity Z. I understand you wrote his book, right?
Me: I wouldn’t say I wrote his book. I’d say we worked together on it.
Reporter: You’re just trying to protect Z. You actually did all the writing. The work. Everything.
Me: No. Of course not.
Reporter: I’d really like it if you admitted the truth.
Me: I’m a ghostwriter. I’m behind the scenes.
Reporter: God, I could never do what you do.
(This reporter called me back some time later to get advice on how his wife could become a ghostwriter.)
11. Conversation with my trainer at the gym
Trainer: What do you do for a living?
Me: I’m a ghostwriter.
Trainer: What are you writing about now?
Me: I’m working with a well-known veterinarian.
Trainer: Wow. I didn’t even know that animals could be haunted.
12. Conversation with a friend
Me: I’m tired of writing books for other people. I’m quitting.
Friend: But you’ve done so well.
Me: I want to write about something I want to write about.
Friend: Avoid the bigger projects then. Just stay in the self-help genre, those books are easy, you’ll never run out of work.
Me: I’m getting old. It’s time I tried finding my own voice.
Friend: Oh, God. You’ve been reading too much of what you’ve been writing.
Gene Stone is the author of many books he may or may not have written.
